clarity please

Greetings........, I'm back......, are YOU ready for this?  Two entries in two days, after how many days, weeks, months of nothing.......well a tid bit here and there just to let you know that I am existing, but if you have been reading you know exactly what I am talking/writing about.  But, returning and writing again.....well what can I say?  This is me, and it's the way it goes!  The thoughts and the moods have struck my mindful being so...... I actively act upon it, and THAT has been my life.  That is why I titled this entry the way I did, for that is exactly what struck my mind,  so that is what I need to write about, because that is what I desperately need at this time, well....maybe not that dramatic...I mean desperately? Sounds rather dramatic to me....I digress....I think the word I need to utilize here to fit the occasion is.......desiring, that's it! I am desiring the need for clarity at this time.
      Let's see......hmmmmm.... according to the online 'Merriam-Webster Dictionary', the Definition of Clarity is:"The quality or state of being clear".  And that my dear readers is the question of the decade for my life at this junction in time, C L A R I T Y.....what is it?
      You are probably wondering what brought on this thought process, well it started with 'The Mood Disorder Questionnaire' which I am to have filled out before my next doctor's appointment.  It all began with this question; "Has there ever been a period of time when you were not your usual self....." and there are a multitude of choices following, to mark Yes or No.  My dilemma is I'm not clear if I know what IS my usual self? And it is upon those last two words I desire clarity on? Usual self...........what is that?
      I am truly being very genuine when I state......I don't have a clue what my "usual self" is.  If I had the answer to that...well.....then..... I would know how to exercise my will to be normal.........or what is "perceived" as normal........right?  My actions which have conducted my life have been from one spectrum to the other, from never ending energy surging through my person and mind, hyper activity, endless confidence to the full depths of everything opposite of what I just described.  I mean I don't know what was "not" my usual self, for me that has always been my usual self.  Does anyone see my dilemma here?
      So there you have it, as far as I can see I literally do not have a clue, not one shred of evidence to know what is my "usual self".  I hate these types of questions for they leave me feeling I don't know how to answer them..........I really need some clarity here...........PLEASE!!!!!!
      Later.......
Posted by The Manic Chef

Alas, the grayish shroud is descending once again.

Greetings everyone it's been exactly one month and twenty days since my last entry, and it's good to be back.....it's about time that I should return...... to this place where my thoughts  and feelings may be laid bare, there is a melancholy coziness in this place. 
     My old acquaintance has returned and I've been sensing that it would make an uninvited but familiar visitation.  It's hallmark presence has a way of announcing it's forth coming arrival, not with any form of great fanfare, but a silent nudging, likened unto a slight of hand that knows how to pick one's pocket with a gentle swiftness, as fast as a blink of an eye.  Then the realization... my long-forgotten guest has found it's room, and is staying for how long....... no one knows.
      As you all know, I've been caught up in a whirl-wind of activities with my newly found career attainment,  and it's been very successful, I am a "first-rate act", as one person kindly informed me of what has been spoken through the social grapevine, regarding my culinary talents at a dinner party that my current client put on two weeks past.  I must say everything turned out splendid, the evening was a success in the midst of the tropical storm Irene!
       It was such a triumphant evening for DR and his hostess, another dinner party is planned in two weeks, and I don't care to participate in the next one, the shroud of darkness has crashed the perimeters of my mind....but......I will follow through with it, after all.....I am a professional, but this shroud is not all that dark and dismal at this time.....only time will tell.
       I've had a good run though, my manic state has been in full swing since late March early April, my high energy mode has burst it's bubble, and I must say I'm pleased in a comforting sort of way, for it seems I've been running on 'high octane' for a long while and now a stormy calm has arrived.  Another point to explain why this is a comfort for me is I will be seeing my doctor, yes, I now have my very own doctor with whom I met around August 28th, and my next appointment is set for September 28th. And I have 'The Mood Disorder Questionnaire' sheets to fill out for the next rendezvous! Finally..... we may be getting to the issues at hand!  For Joy!!!!!!
       To tell you the truth, I thought maybe I was not Bi-polar after all.  Because,  since my three month men's group sessions, dealing with the sexual abuse as a toddler, finished, I felt so much better!  I  actually started to think those issues were the main cause of my emotional problems, but I'm realizing..... possibly..... only in part.  I'm mean who wants to have to take some form of medication to control ones moods swings? I'm mean hello?  Again.... it could be..... that down in the depths of my heart and soul, I may be thinking it's just another 'sign' I'm not normal.
       Well.......I think it's out there in the open now how I'm feeling about this......see what I mean by this being a "cozy" corner where I can let it all out.......it's good to be back.......my friends and faithful readers....thanks for your loyalty.....I sure hope it's helping someone besides me......later!

Transitional transitions, it's a non-stop whirl-wind.

It has been too many weeks since my last entry, to be exact it's been a month and a half which is a major amount of time lacking in communicating with the blogging community and my readers.  Forty nine days of endless travels between my personal habitation and my new 'high' end client who is benefiting from my personal attendant care.  Seven weeks of personal and professional 'growing pains', meeting family members, overseeing the property, cooking, cleaning a four story house built in the early twenties, sleeping over and eventually relocating to the 'new neighborhood'. 
     In the last week and a half, we finally arrived at a mutual contractual agreement, which will benefit me quite well financially, should the contract be terminated.  Let's face it, the man is in his early eighties, and anything could occur without a moment's notice!  I mean, after all I'm giving up my personal life...(as if I had any)...so I must be protected financially.  I have been involved with 'live-in' situations before, and when the wealthy no longer desire your services, for whatever reason, you are given the boot without any financial consideration, and you must vacate their premises immediately.......leaving you homeless. NOT this time, baby.........no way!
     So now I'm in the midst of placing my life on hold, packing up my apartment, securing storage space, booked a mover, and will be vacating my apartment, which has been a much needed security blanket on so many personal levels, as most of my readers have come to know.  It is strange to be departing from a place that has been a dark, painful and yet comforting solace during the past year. Yet it is a much needed transition which takes me from a poverty stricken, violent laden, drunk and druggie hangout apartment complex, to a wonderful, peaceful, garden paradise, which is surrounded by posh estates, reeking of abundant wealth at the summit of Mount Royal.  Talk about surrealism! Oy.......this is my present life circumstance.
     Since I've been here, I've been quite 'manic' to say the least, I can't seem to settle down, possibly once everything is finalized and moved, I will settle in, and begin to be faithful in my blog writing and other creative activities.  I also sense a design change will take place in my blog, with the appearance of photos that will showcase the wonderful surroundings I now find myself engrossed in.  Almost as enchanting as my friend 'Klahanie' soothing, fairyland oasis.  There is a lovely calming transition that is taking place, and a new mind set is developing, a healing, a stepping back from all the suffering I witnessed, and personally endured all those months living in my last abode.
     I've experienced a personal victory in demanding my financial worth and receiving it!  I'm experiencing transitions within transitions.....oy......stop the express train, I need a breather!!!!!!!!  And to add to all of these life changes, I just entered my 60th year.... talk about a MAJOR transition!  When did all this happen? It's as if .....life is saying to me mockingly "SURPRISE"! 
     Well I'm going to YELL back "SURPRISE" YOURSELF and keep on walkin' 'cause my ears ain't goin' to be listenin'.........la,la,la.......la....la!
     Later.........

Dramatic changes, here's the low down, FINALLY!

As you all know from my previous entries, I've complained about the people with whom I was hired to take care of their home in Outremont, meaning; cleaning, loads of laundry and ironing, and when I say loads, I mean LOADS, (lady of the house was 'high maintenance') understatement actually..... I digress, continuing on.... cooking, grocery shopping, attending to plumbers, interior decorators, computer, dishwasher, electrical repairmen and a gardener, etc.,.  Oh and before I forget, tons of dry cleaning had to be delivered and picked up.  All at slave labour wages.
     To continue....well I'm 'tickled pink' to announce as of May 8th, I terminated my services too them.  I handed them a one week notice in writing, I am a professional you know.  Why did I do this?  As providence would have it, I was offered another position which began the week of April 4th, 2011, here's the break down of how events lead to this liberation from, underpaid, being taken for granted.... slavery.  
     I had attended an event in March, which was held at a library in Cote St. Luc, featuring a group of  authors, which gave readings from their various works, and discussed their experiences on how they became published authors.  One of the authors was an elderly gentleman, David Reich, in his early eighties, whom I knew previously from the Canadian Writers Society, of which we both are members.  We've known each other for about two years. 
     As usual after the event had ended I went to give my regards to David accompanied by Rosalie, the President of the CWS who was also in attendance, and we exchanged greetings and other pleasantries.  I must reveal that David uses a walker, for he had suffered a minor bout with Polio in his twenties while working on a Kibutz in Israel in the late 1940's, 'if' I remember correctly.  So I usually would escort him to his vehicle making sure he would be safe.  Well on this particular evening he inquired what I did for a living, so I informed him, and I could discern that this information peeked an interest, but I did not give it much thought after returning home.  Within a day or so I was contacted by Rosalie, who informed me that David was interested in my services and would I mind giving her the liberty to pass on my cell phone number and email so David could contact me.   Of course I gave her my permission to do so.  Within a couple of days David called me and we set up an date to meet at his home during the last week in March.   Our conversation went very well, and he hired my services and I commenced work during the first week of April.  
     I continued working at the house previously mentioned and at David's also.  But within a few weeks, I knew I could not continue on servicing two households, I mean... can I talk here?  I was putting in 9-10 hours a day, both being three storied homes..... oy I suffered....my poor legs!  David eventually wanted me three days per week with at least 15 hours a week guaranteed at a 30% increase in wages! I mean REALLY it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out! I would be working less hours while making more money attending to one elderly man, than at the other household which I looked after four persons, running myself ragged at slave labour rates, loosing money..... I mean HELLO!!!!! anyone HOME??!!!!!!!
     So I started the mental evaluating process, looking at both circumstances extremely carefully, I mean I was facing some 'fear factors' here.  I had been working at the house for four for three years, it was steady, I was secure...I knew them....they knew me....but I hated it, but that 'hate' never infringed upon me doing my job, after all I am a professional!    Here is David an elderly man who, God forbid, could "bite the dust" at any given moment, then where would I be?  Now all during this excruciating mental process of trying to make a 'practical' non-emotional decision...(yeah right!), Rosalie, the President of CWS, was also setting me up for interviews with other people who were looking for housekeeping services, and these were all well-to-do individuals.  With these other prospects rising upon the horizon, and one interview with a lady that turned into another customer, it  was  all the 'heaven' given nudge I needed  to arrive at a decision. 
     I gave my notice of termination to the household of four, with an exceedingly glad heart!  I gave a proper one weeks notification, which was rightfully required, but was to the detriment of the self-absorbed  'lady' of the house.  She called me and informed me that she read the letter, and was taken by surprise, I informed her that I had taken another position, and tried to work both, but it was not physically possible for me to continue.  I knew my worth, and that the other position was financially more profitable for me.  She understood and realized I had to do what I had to do, but she asked if I would consider giving them two to three extra weeks, so that they could secure another housekeeper.  I told her 'if' I was too consider the extra time, it would not be at the old rate. Her tone of voice markedly changed, and with that I told her I would let her know as soon as possible my decision. 
     Well after I was retained by the other women for one day per week besides David, I did consider offering one or two days per week, but only for four hours per day at a sizable increase in my rates.  But there was this nagging thought, "do you really want to do this, knowing what you know"? I came to a conclusion which strengthened me in only accepting in my life.....MY TERMS, MY WAY, for MY convenience, and MY financial worth! This was a revelation for me, a great turning point in my life.  The Outremont household was self-absorbed, self-centered, pretentious, condescending, and patronizing, did I really want to subject myself to that any further?  The answer was a resounding NO!  I called the lady at the Outremont house and informed her I had no openings in my schedule to offer her, and said my goodbye.  I was free and no longer had to carry that burden.  I've come to understand a bit more concerning myself and the importance of taking authority concerning my life.  I've learned a great lesson through this whole experience.
     So that's my first segment of informing my 'readers' the dramatic changes that have undertaken in my life, so say tuned there will be more coming soon to this blog near you!
     Later.......
   
Posted by The Manic Chef

Hello everyone, my life is going through dramatic changes that are for the..... GOOD!

This is a short entry to inform my followers and readers, the reason I'm not being very attentive to my faithful signed up followers, and random readers from around the world. My life is changing very quickly.  I apologize to those who have commented on my last entry, I feel sort of a pressured guilt which inevitably causes me anxiety, because I'm not being attentive enough, which leads to a panic.
     I'm not being shallow, my life is going through drastic career changes....and it is all for the good.  I need a couple of weeks before a regular routine schedule will be maintained, then I must get back onto the bandwagon of a 'organized' routine.  I've always been very efficient in my 'commitments' and well disciplined in responding to people's responses.  But, during the past nine months of deep emotional distresses.... facing realities which inadvertently brought about much needed healing.....has created a major 'interruption' in my well organized patterned life, and that I must confess is most unsettling, for it makes me feel as if I must start all over again.
     Another point I would like mention is that for some strange reason, I feel my writing style is going to experience a change, and that I find very disconcerting....it's as if I'm not recognizing who I am, per-chance that could mean my 'old' recognizable self is under reconstruction, but.... I'm not going to be anxious concerning this.  It could only mean that "I am putting off childish things", along with, reactions, fears.......you could say old established habits.     Anyway it's all good, don't you think?
     So...... you could say I'm begging your patience with me, and know I'm not ignoring anyone, I just need time to re-organize my time with the utmost efficiency and get back on track in a new 'reconstructed life cycle'.
     That's it for now folks..........later!
Posted by The Manic Chef

Greetings to all...........After a time of silence and rest and thoughtful contemplation.........I'm back

 Greetings first to my signed on followers....and to all those that pop in from time to time.  I see despite my absence, my stats show I am 5 short of reaching 1000 views, and I was wondering is this a good thing?  So I ask my mentors, who are by far more advanced Bloggers than I; could this be a milestone?
    I want to express my gratefulness toward those that are 'followers', those that have signed on and their profile pictures are on display, for staying faithful and still 'followers', it means much to me, and reveals that you are not "fly by night" sort of 'friends'.  I have through the weeks 'peeked' into your blogs to see how your blogging has been going, but have not made any comments......just wanted to make sure you were all still present.
   Boy.... starting up writing again seems strange, almost as 'if' I have to start all over again, and get, as Hercule Poirot states: "the little gray cells" charged up and producing again. But, as it has been mentioned, "the more one practices the better it shall get." So on with the show, or the writing!
   I may even change the 'design' format of my blog.......make it more like my 'personality' and get more creative, make it more colorful, more desirable to the eye. 
   I think I may know what you're thinking, and I hope I'm not being 'presumptuous' for I have not communicated with any of you, with the exception of Klahanie, and Penny, "the modest internet star",  how am I?  Well....... I must tell you, I am for the most part quite at peace within my soul, and mind, I still do not have much of a social life, and I'm still quite isolated, but without the anxiousness that can accompany that 'loneliness' feeling.  Actually I am at 'one' with myself and my personal circumstances, which is seeing some financial relief, I have picked up another client, more on that at another time. 
    I do think, that this is long enough, for we all know how I have the gift of extending my 'gabbish' blog to exaggerated proportions........lol......you know of what I speak? Right?
    So....I must say I am glad to be back, and begin being faithful to ALL of my dear faithful followers, and get reacquainted with what is presently going on in their lives, and their creative writing minds!
    I sincerely thank you for your patience and understanding during this time, so let's talk, let us write and make one another laugh, cry, rejoice, feel sad, inspired, encouraging, and most importantly loving one another in this terribly sick world.  Ok, enough already!!!!!
    Later...........

Thank you everyone

Hello everyone, I won't be writing anytime soon.  I may be calling it quits.
Not concerning my life, I will keep on living, I'm not talking suicide.  I sit alone all the time, watching the internet, smoking, and nibbling on food stuff.
         I need time to REALLY think, and not be so busy with things that only give me temporary relief.  And maybe it's all 'daydreams' and 'wishes' for something that is not going to come through for me.
        I am just running out of steam, loss of interest in anything right now.  I just exist, and maybe that is all I'm to do........ just exist.
        That's all I can say for now.  I'm just very confused and terribly discouraged.
       Thank you.
       Later.