Monday, September 12, 2011

clarity please

Greetings........, I'm back......, are YOU ready for this?  Two entries in two days, after how many days, weeks, months of nothing.......well a tid bit here and there just to let you know that I am existing, but if you have been reading you know exactly what I am talking/writing about.  But, returning and writing again.....well what can I say?  This is me, and it's the way it goes!  The thoughts and the moods have struck my mindful being so...... I actively act upon it, and THAT has been my life.  That is why I titled this entry the way I did, for that is exactly what struck my mind,  so that is what I need to write about, because that is what I desperately need at this time, well....maybe not that dramatic...I mean desperately? Sounds rather dramatic to me....I digress....I think the word I need to utilize here to fit the occasion is.......desiring, that's it! I am desiring the need for clarity at this time.
      Let's see......hmmmmm.... according to the online 'Merriam-Webster Dictionary', the Definition of Clarity is:"The quality or state of being clear".  And that my dear readers is the question of the decade for my life at this junction in time, C L A R I T Y.....what is it?
      You are probably wondering what brought on this thought process, well it started with 'The Mood Disorder Questionnaire' which I am to have filled out before my next doctor's appointment.  It all began with this question; "Has there ever been a period of time when you were not your usual self....." and there are a multitude of choices following, to mark Yes or No.  My dilemma is I'm not clear if I know what IS my usual self? And it is upon those last two words I desire clarity on? Usual self...........what is that?
      I am truly being very genuine when I state......I don't have a clue what my "usual self" is.  If I had the answer to that...well.....then..... I would know how to exercise my will to be normal.........or what is "perceived" as normal........right?  My actions which have conducted my life have been from one spectrum to the other, from never ending energy surging through my person and mind, hyper activity, endless confidence to the full depths of everything opposite of what I just described.  I mean I don't know what was "not" my usual self, for me that has always been my usual self.  Does anyone see my dilemma here?
      So there you have it, as far as I can see I literally do not have a clue, not one shred of evidence to know what is my "usual self".  I hate these types of questions for they leave me feeling I don't know how to answer them..........I really need some clarity here...........PLEASE!!!!!!
Posted by The Manic Chef

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Alas, the grayish shroud is descending once again.

Greetings everyone it's been exactly one month and twenty days since my last entry, and it's good to be's about time that I should return...... to this place where my thoughts  and feelings may be laid bare, there is a melancholy coziness in this place. 
     My old acquaintance has returned and I've been sensing that it would make an uninvited but familiar visitation.  It's hallmark presence has a way of announcing it's forth coming arrival, not with any form of great fanfare, but a silent nudging, likened unto a slight of hand that knows how to pick one's pocket with a gentle swiftness, as fast as a blink of an eye.  Then the realization... my long-forgotten guest has found it's room, and is staying for how long....... no one knows.
      As you all know, I've been caught up in a whirl-wind of activities with my newly found career attainment,  and it's been very successful, I am a "first-rate act", as one person kindly informed me of what has been spoken through the social grapevine, regarding my culinary talents at a dinner party that my current client put on two weeks past.  I must say everything turned out splendid, the evening was a success in the midst of the tropical storm Irene!
       It was such a triumphant evening for DR and his hostess, another dinner party is planned in two weeks, and I don't care to participate in the next one, the shroud of darkness has crashed the perimeters of my mind....but......I will follow through with it, after all.....I am a professional, but this shroud is not all that dark and dismal at this time.....only time will tell.
       I've had a good run though, my manic state has been in full swing since late March early April, my high energy mode has burst it's bubble, and I must say I'm pleased in a comforting sort of way, for it seems I've been running on 'high octane' for a long while and now a stormy calm has arrived.  Another point to explain why this is a comfort for me is I will be seeing my doctor, yes, I now have my very own doctor with whom I met around August 28th, and my next appointment is set for September 28th. And I have 'The Mood Disorder Questionnaire' sheets to fill out for the next rendezvous! Finally..... we may be getting to the issues at hand!  For Joy!!!!!!
       To tell you the truth, I thought maybe I was not Bi-polar after all.  Because,  since my three month men's group sessions, dealing with the sexual abuse as a toddler, finished, I felt so much better!  I  actually started to think those issues were the main cause of my emotional problems, but I'm realizing..... possibly..... only in part.  I'm mean who wants to have to take some form of medication to control ones moods swings? I'm mean hello?  Again.... it could be..... that down in the depths of my heart and soul, I may be thinking it's just another 'sign' I'm not normal.
       Well.......I think it's out there in the open now how I'm feeling about this......see what I mean by this being a "cozy" corner where I can let it all's good to be friends and faithful readers....thanks for your loyalty.....I sure hope it's helping someone besides me......later!